Lately, I've been thinking about spiritual gifts and whether some people possess some kind of intrinsically faithful/spiritual nature.
My mom is so naturally faithful, she started walking by herself to the local Christian church when she was five or so. She joined the LDS church at age thirteen (when her parents finally consented) after several years of investigating. My dad, a twenty-plus year investigator and now a convert of seven years, bases the foundations of his testimony on his assertion that a man with as little education as Joseph Smith could never have written the Book of Mormon and all that. (He says he's grown beyond just that, but it's still an important component.) He does not read scriptures. It is difficult to describe his naturally unspiritual take on life.
I guess I'm somewhere in the middle, but I lean more toward my dad's side. I fundamentally believe in Jesus Christ and the atonement as presented in LDS theology (perhaps because of my upbringing). But I think my devotion (in all its wavering) is primarily based in intellectual interest. I enjoy putting the pieces of deep doctrine together, reading the scriptures and extrapolating meaning, understanding context by studying church history (warts and all). It's the philosophizing that is so agreeable to me. Seminary was a joy, because I had an extraordinarily well-versed scriptorian and theologian for a teacher. I prefer the Bible to the Book of Mormon because it is far more poetic and not nearly so cut and dry; I enjoy ambiguous biblical philosophy infinitely more that dull, re-hashed Book of Mormon storyline.
Add to all that that I have never received any kind of revelation. Not even in my most faithful days. I prayed then, to receive a witness of the Book of Mormon, to get guidance for life, to know who I should choose for my counselors in whichever position . . . but I've never gotten anything. I remember crying at one of those overly-emotional youth meetings as I bore my testimony and mentioned that I "have trouble receiving revelation." I remember another time at institute when some guy recited the first vision from JSH 1:17-19 in like Mandarin or something. After he did that, he said "now, even though that was in a different language, didn't you still feel the Spirit as I spoke, testifying of the truthfulness of the story?" My mind answered with a blatant, "Um, no." I asked my friend about it later, but she insisted she had felt spiritual confirmation during the recitation. And that was when I believed Joseph Smith was nigh unto deity. (Hint: I no longer believe that. Not even close.)
Perhaps I exaggerate. Perhaps the extent of my revelatory experiences is limited to following my moral compass. It goes thusly: "God is no respecter of persons." I like that. That resonates with my deeply-held belief that all people are equal. I believe that to be true. Or: "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife . . . so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing." Hmm. If God really insists that I be subservient to my husband, I would rather go to hell. This scripture goes against every fiber of my being. I believe this is a load of crap. In other words, I feel happy when I hear philosophies I like, and I feel bad when I hear philosophies I don't like. And I hear a lot of both in LDS theology (as well as other belief systems).
Of those classic faith-promoting stories, however, what with bosom burning, distinct feelings, any evidence of divine communication, I've got nothing. Now you may be thinking that because I'm having a faith transition, I'm moving backwards and "losing that which I had." You may think that I've just forgotten. But I haven't. As illustrated in the stories above, I was struggling with this even in my Molliest, Mormoniest days. And you devoted followers will remember my vain struggle for confirmation of my marital decision.
I was talking to my husband about this the other day. He was describing some profound revelatory experiences in his family, including visions, dreams, prophesying, strong impressions, answers to prayers, etc. Many of these were his own. When I expressed dismay due to my dearth of revelation, he suggested that perhaps I just lack the spiritual gift of receiving revelation. When I shared this possibility with a good friend of mine, she told me not to write myself off as spiritually inept - that it takes a lifetime to understand the way God speaks to us.
So here's my question: is it possible that I am spiritually incapable of having miraculous revelatory experiences? Is it necessary to have some kind of spiritual gift to receive revelation?
Mormons believe that everyone has spiritual gifts of one kind or another. These may include gifts of faith, healing, prophecy, discernment, knowledge, miracles, etc. It is acknowledged that there are more spiritual gifts than are listed in any of our religious texts. As the scriptures say, different people have different gifts; some people have more and some have less. If this is true, then I must have at least one spiritual gift in there somewhere. I've wondered if perhaps I have the gift of charity (if that's even one of them), but usually that one makes me more disaffected with my religion than less. What I need right now is some kind of faith-promoting gift.
I have skimmed some genome-wide association studies linking the ability to have spiritual experiences with genetics. I wonder about the possibility of genetically-encoded spiritual gifts. Could it be that my genes have predisposed me to a life of disgruntled, unaffirmed doubting and floundering? Are spiritual gifts even real? Do you, dear reader, believe in spiritual gifts, spiritual experiences, or the possibility of communication with God? If these things are real, then where are my spiritual gifts, and how long do I have to suffer until I find them? If ever I was in need of revelation, it's now.